Good bye 2017, its good to see the back of you.

Not going to lie, most of 2017 was hell. I was on depression pills, not taking any care of my health at all, so my weight went up and up. Lost what little faith I had in myself and was never looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how much food or whiskey I consumed it would not help at all. It took a while but after months of thinking, well over thinking, I managed to over come it all by coming up with a simple thought “see to yourself first”. Yes a very basic rule of thought but for me its helped me to get back on the right track, and now we are just starting 2018 its worked out even better now because of setting new goals and targets for the year.

I have brought up before about my huge goal of getting on the transplant list, this goal has some smaller goals that once completed will get me on the transplant list, for example my mum and I are taking part in a 10k that is taking place in march and am going to sign up to a 10k course thats called the beast but more on that when that happens later in the year. For each of these runs I will need to push myself to lose weight and get fit and by taking part in these runs my mood and motivation will be at a point that its never been before. Each small goal helps for the bigger goal, well calling a 10k a small goal might be silly but for me its not. To help me lose weight am kinda covering my tracks, I bought myself digital scales also a 100 day food diary, blood pressure monitor that goes on my wrist, wearable weights, and the tool thingy that doctor use to listen to your heart. All of these things will help me to keep track and also keeping note of my calories that I eat and burn will also help me to keep the weight off.

This year I will be turning 30 and am not worried at all about it because no matter what happens, happens; meaning that am not going to worry about the things that I cant do anything about. In the past I have been worrying about being alone and feeling like I was not good enough for the people in my life but this year am not really giving a crap to any of that because worrying did nothing good, I know am great for anybody and I have learned that people come and go in our lives and is its meant to be then it will be. For once I don’t mind the feeling of being lonely, it gives me time to see to myself but when it comes to the dating scene am just going with the flow and not getting my hopes up because I know my life right now is crazy and I don’t blame anybody if they find it to much to deal with. On twitter, Hideo Kojima tweeted that “creators are lonely, no time to hang out with friends or family”, this year am going to be working on my creative side a lot more because of the website and the vlog alone and because all my close friends have got wife’s/girlfriends and also friends of there own, this means when they are busy with them,I would be at home not doing much but this year am just going to be having my own adventures, there will be times that I will ask if they want to go with me but I know the chances of them joining are slim because of how busy they can be and am not mad about it, its just that I need to stop depending on others for a good time, that’s all.

I have held back for all of my life, only pushing myself when someone was there to help me, to scared to let it all go and push myself, playing it safe. This year I will be letting go of the things that were holding me back, over the course of 2018 am going to drop my restraints and let go, not going to take anybodies crap. Hard work beats talent, and this year will show that, from me.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. that’s why its called the present”
Master Oogway

 

Pushing on then moving on.

Hi and welcome to my own little space on the internet, I have been blogging off and on for a few years now and thought it was time to have my own site for a change. Its named ray-in-the-middle because my middle name is Ray, made sense to me to name it that.

My blog will be about my life and the lessons I have learned and whatever has been happening in my life, trying to give advice from it all. I also write articles on top ten lists about, my favourite films, song on my iPhone and much, much more; the point beaning that its not all about my life in a way.

Am still learning to fly and control it but am going to try vlogging on the site, trying to control a drone that has a camera on it for different shots and footage, got my iPhone as well for shooting with. Using this time to learn it all, not just the camera but the editing as well.

Learning to let go, to drop my restraints so I can fully enjoy life

It’s been a long year, sadly with more downs than ups but that’s life. I am thankful for the pain, sadness and the lonely nights that I have been through not just this year but through out my life. Am thankful because am hear and alive, I feel like am a better person for it all, its made me look back at everything, not to look back in pain but to learn from it and how to deal with the future; to hand things better.

6 months ago, I went downhill fast and hard, my weight went up just as fast as my mood went down, being a dialysis patient, this was not the way to go but being on the treatment was not a huge help on the soul. I did not care about myself or how that would affect people close to me, for example my mum. She has been great to me and I know I have been a pain to her over the years, not being easy to deal with but she still stood by me, even going through the process for her to give me one of her kidneys. Its been a few months since I stopped using antidepressants and so far, am getting better with life.

I have goals for 2018, going to keep them for myself, might share them on my vlog. At least one goal that will be brought up a lot on the site and that is a huge goal for myself, to get a new kidney, I will be sharing my progress on this goal over 2018 and that means taking photos of myself but not feeling brave to show them on the site but at the very least I would post 2 photos, one of myself now and one when I get on the transplant list.

I really want 2018 be the year that I improve my life in many different ways, how I live my life, how I spend my time but also trying new things. Am looking into something that will test my strength and mind set, don’t want to say yet but if it does work out then it will be on my Vlog and to be honest am worried about it but when I pull it off it would not be a shock if my friends and family don’t believe that I did it. Am glad that am back blogging, it feels great to get it all out. In January I will make this site a .com, been wanting that for years now so why not.

 

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